Student of Surrender

Wisdom and learning are fun for me and keep life interesting. For the most part, I haven’t been too resentful about all the “schooling” that life has required of me. Considering the number of hard knocks that I took, I feel I’m pretty open to growing into my full potential throughout the rest of my life.

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Where’s the Binge?

My experience with disordered eating, alcohol and substance use was of the binge-purge, and then restrict kind. I rarely used any substance or behavior daily. I would overeat, over drink, overuse, then purge, and then in a frenzy of guilt and clean-up, I would restrict.

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Food

What if food was just food? What if it was neutral; neither good nor bad, fatting or not, healthy or unhealthy? What if food was fuel for my body and not something that has this power over me to make me feel great or feel fearful?

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Part of Life

Almost instantly, I feel lonely and alone. Should I take my things to the car, come back and walk around? I’m sure to run into friends and acquaintances.

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One of Anything

“I can’t stop at one of anything.” I hear this all of the time from people in programs of recovery. It sort of makes me cringe. I want to ask them, is that really true? Anything?

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Sober Dating

Dating, sober dating is hard. For me, it’s fraught with uncertainty and anxiety. Alcohol made all that shit easy in comparison. Drink, be cute, meet someone totally inappropriate for me, drink more, have sex, drink more to forget that it was a one night stand or now I have an instant relationship with someone I probably don’t even like.

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Relapse or Reset?

Early sobriety was not fun for me. I felt lost and alone most of the time. The man that I felt was the love of my life, really wanted nothing to do with me, I was broke and selling my chiropractic equipment just to pay the rent in the house that my parents owned. If it wasn’t for them, I don’t know where I would have been living.

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The Girl Who Couldn’t Become a Woman

Once upon a time, there was a little girl, who did not want to become a woman. She didn’t want to be a man either, not in the sex change type of way. Although, it seemed to her, that men had a lot more fun and got to do more things in life, without the repercussions of society’s thinking.

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