Dating, sober dating is hard.  For me, it’s fraught with uncertainty and anxiety.  Alcohol made all that shit easy in comparison.  Drink, be cute, meet someone totally inappropriate for me, drink more, have sex, drink more to forget that it was a one night stand or now I have an instant relationship with someone I probably don’t even like.  Drink more to convince myself that he’s the “one” or make all sorts of things “okay” that totally are NOT “okay.” 

Now, I have to face all my feelings.  My not “okayness” with first dates and on-line dating and that it all seems to go nowhere.  My fears and insecurities that wage battles in my head with my confidence and self-love.  I’m in my fifties and a babe and I have all these years of sobriety and so much self-worth built up and it can all fly out the window as I smile in the mirror and there’s all those smile wrinkles that I try to convince myself are beautiful and he will think so too.  Just be my awesome self, but don’t say too much about too much self-work and self-growth so that he won’t be overwhelmed and why do I care anyway, because at this age, he has wrinkles too, and is probably not even close to as in shape as I am and certainly not as wise and wonderful. 

I just want to relax and have it be easy.  Hang out with someone who “gets me.” And, I “get him.”  Sometimes, that happens and then?? Nothing.  I’ve learned to be pretty okay with that.  Have a good time, NO physical intimacy, because than I am NOT okay with that.  Enjoy, be open, laugh, have fun, go my way.  Enjoy the aloneness, getting to know me, deeper, better and more and more loveliness than ever before.  Funny, how the inside shines more and more like a diamond as the outside beauty fades. 

That shit is HARD.  Really, really hard.  Because, who the hell is going to see past the outer stuff from the get go?  I don’t.  I never have.  I have the curse of loving the pretty outsides and then hoping to find pretty insides too.  At least now, I realize that we all have icky, ugly insides no matter how pretty the outsides and that our flaws connect us and thank god, that I DO love myself through these painful moments. 

So, here I go.  Can this just be an easy moment?  Or, will it be more of being comfortable with being uncomfortable. 

At least, I don’t need a drink to do this.  That’s a win. A very big win.